Semper Fi

We Thought it was Funny At the Time, by “Richie”

Every line of work has those things that people involved in that line of work find to be funny. I’m sure reporters have many stories to tell about the foibles of their fellow reporters and the editors over them. There are probably medical personnel funny things, and carpenter humor and so forth. Well, there are things the cops find funny. If you’re sensitive caring and feeling; don’t bother reading any further; but if you have a sense of the perverse, or just like peeping in the window into another world, well then, read on.

Way back in the last century when I joined the Lewiston P.D. we had quite an assortment of characters. Policing was different then; we were at the very tail end of the old style of policing; and just becoming aware of the dawn of a new way to do things. Lewiston, though, just didn’t want to let go of the “small town” idea; you know, Andy of Mayberry, P.D. in the basement of City Hall, local officials can’t be given parking tickets, all the usual stuff one pictures a small town P.D. to be like. We had more than our fair share of characters too. I mean; these were guys with stories ! We had one guy who had attended Catholic Seminary and who would preach to the prisoners in Latin. We had another guy who had been a “shotgun” Officer on Baltimore P.D.; used to responding to nothing but gun calls. He had a very tough time adjusting to the slow pace (then) of Lewiston. We also had our share of pranksters. Leave your cruiser unsecured ? Well, they’d take it an park it a block away; so when you came out it was like . . . ZOMGWTF ! Where’s my freakin’ cruiser ! Its’ been stolen ! What’ll I tell the Captain ? The Chief’ll kill me !

Leave your hat or jacket laying around ? Someone would turn your hat or jacket badge upside down, so the first call you went on, quite naturally someone would notice it; and of course you’d then be made to look and feel very silly. We used to call that “Working the Kennedy Park patrol”. That happened to me, a number of times. I learned to always check myself before heading out.

Or perhaps you might be in the latrine; you know, pondering life and fate and the questions of time and space, you know, real important stuff. Well, you might get a string of firecrackers pitched through the transom to, how shall I say, speed up your movement.

Then there was the guy who always checked the pay phone in the hallway to see if there was money in the coin return. Pranksters got him too by putting a noxious material in there for him to discover. That was really funny !!

We had fun with pigeons too. Back in the early ’80’s I had an old International Scout; a 4wd vehicle not unlike a Jeep or a Ford Bronco. Anyways, this thing was a real beater; rusting, dented, must have had a million miles on it; big ass knobby tires on it. You could hear me coming a mile away. Well, the pranksters used to collect live and / or dead pigeons and leave them in the back of my truck. Every 7 – 10 days I’d have to look and see what’d been left in the back. Motorcycles ? Guys would come out and find the occasional dead pigeon stuffed into the engine space. One guy had a Cadillac convertible he was exceptionally proud of. Came to work, made the mistake of leaving the top down.

The pranksters threw a bunch of bird feed and bread crumbs in the car. Every bird, every gull, every flying sky rat for miles around showed up. When that poor guy got back to his car that night you can only imagine what a mess he found.

Oh yah. Real funny, dude. There’s more; but that’s enough of that for now.

One of the funnier things I ever did see was one morning back about 1978. It was in the spring or early summer; about 05:00 in the morning or so. The sun was up, but there was no traffic on the streets yet. Back then Park Street was a straight run from Main Street; and with no cars on it, you could see the length of it pretty much.

The head prankster on the P.D. got some corn & grain; and put it in the intersection of Pine and Park Streets. He did this for a number of days until a very numerous flock of pigeons came there to feed on a regular basis. Then one Sunday at the usual time he arranged for the different beat Officers to be at the various intersections along Park Street. I was fortunate to be at Pine and Park. We each signaled when there was no traffic present or imminent. Ofcr. Prankster was at Main Street on Park and waiting for our signal. “All Clear !” Bwaaaaaaah ! You could hear that 454 Interceptor engine just light right up ! By the time he got to Park and Pine, he had to be doing 100 mph !

Whoooosh ! Right through that flock of pigeons ! Feathers everywhere !! Woo hoo !

Pigeons flying all over the place; stunned ones flopping around, others just pin wheeling through the air. He wheels the cruiser back up; pigeons in the grille, under the light bar, stuck in the bumper; more feathers. I almost peed myself laughing. He took the cruiser to the car wash and that took care of the evidence. The pigeon population was reduced, and we were entertained.

Now days the LPD is considerably more professional. Ofcr Prankster would be looking at a nice suspension for something like that. In a way, I miss the old days; but even some of the lighter, more innocent foolishness would not pass the Political Correctness review. Sad, in a way; but . . . every now and again I’ll go and turn someone’s jacket badge upside down.